Footsteps Through the Journey

For those of you whom I forgot to include on my mailing list…..heres the updates from me…..

I walk into my first class at CCSU, and I was confronted with a big
question "ARE YOU A FRESHMEN?" Well, NO I’m NOT….just because you
people look older out here, that does not make me a freshman, excuse
you!!!

It didn’t take me long to figure that people out here are so
much more reserved (one of my classmates told me that is too nice a
term to describe people out here) compared to the people in the
Northern regions of the States. My ‘hypothesis" was supported when I
met two lovely young ladies who told me "Sheila…don’t ever dream of
people out here being like Minnesotans"…

Well, it has been a little difficult making friends in that sense,
but what startled me the most is the ignorance of people about other
people’s cultures. I was bombarded with questions such as "does
Malaysia have tall buildings?" (no we don’t..we just have the tallest
buildings in the world), "do you guys still live on trees? (well
yes..and I spend 3 years doing my undergraduate in psychology on
trees….sure…the psychology of tress), or WORST testing my knowledge
in psychology "do you the know the differences between random
assignment and random selection" (well no….we had to do experiments
every semester at HELP..and we never used samples…we faked the data).

At first, I was pissed. How can people be so ignorant? Being
in the supposedly more "civilized" region in the States, it puzzled me.
Simply because I went to school in a so called rural area-Bemidji, but
most people there knew that we don’t live on trees!! Well, yes yes….I
should stop comparing!! People are different!!!

Okok….back to my life story. I happen to be the youngest
student in the program, and the one with most likely the least work
experience. When I sit in class, people are busy sharing their
experience, while I’m busy getting fascinated about listening to their
experience. It has been quite challenging for me so far but somehow
manageable.

I was also awarded a graduate assistantship at the women’s
center on campus. I was awarded a full-time assistantship (subsidizes
USD 5000 from tuition with 20 hours of contribution per week), but I
opted for the half time assistantship because of my workload (I also
happen to be one of the handful of people who are studying full time).
I decided to take it easy this semester while adapting to this ever
challenging and unfamiliar culture out here.

Besides
that, life has been pretty dull and lonely. With almost 400 pages to
read each week and 4 research papers to write, I guess I have no time
to feel miserable about life. I’m also starting to work on my thesis
now because I am interested in doing a cross- cultural study  comparing
samples from the US and Malaysia (will be coming back next summer to
collect data!! a good excuse to ask my parents for a ticket!!). Hence,
I need to get my literature review and design approved by the ethical
review board soon (which leaves me less than a year!). Yes, people
typically start working on their thesis in their second year out here,
but I’m starting on it in my second week at school. Yet again, a
challenge.

On a brighter note, I’m looking forward to a trip to Chicago
this Christmas because I’ll be able to meet up with some of my
Malaysian friends! HAHAHA…CHRISTMAS COME TO ME!!!!

This is all for now. Take care and miss you guys…

The Faculty of Behavior Sciences had a farewell party 2 weeks ago. The special guests for this party included The SPICE GIRLS: Pat. Yong (Sporty Spices), Winnee Cheong (Ginger Spice), Charis (Baby Spice), Tsee Leng (Posh/Stylo Spice) and I (Scary Spice-named as such due to some internal office joke. I am not leaving until August, but we had it sekali gus la ). By the way, I DID NOT come up with the titles, Cindy Joon did!

The farewell party was fun and sad at the same time. There was so much to laugh about as they played the "appreciation video clip", it really made me remember my college days here at HELP.  These were the people that I have known since my very first day at college (except for Tsee Leng, but you rock girl!). I am thankful that I had crossed paths with these indivduals as each of them had made my life experience meaningful even in the slightest way.

Yes, the Faculty of Behavioral Sciences is indeed going to be different without their presense (but of coz! we have crazier additions to the department la!). I miss my sama-sama gila collegue and friend Charis to bits! Office is kinda boring without her around nowadays (mind you its only been 1 week since she left!…me gona rot for another month! How?!)

I am reminded of how important it is to cherish every moment we have and we share with others, for as time passes, people change…. paths change…and so does life itself….

This is a poem written by our ever-so-Powderful England-Associate Proffesor-JANHHHHHHHHHHHHH… specially for the farewell…..

So cold, bare and lonely, In our office an empty space, It’s lost its warmth, From you working in that place, In our working stations too, Stands a vacant empty seat, As in our hearts there’s emptiness, During lunch and break time, Stares back an empty chair, Your laughter rang out, Yet just silence now there, Words cannot describe The emptiness of our hearts, No more they’re enwrapped, In the time that you shared with us

After a whole big hassle, I finally got my visa yesterday. Mengada la the embassy people….aihhhhh..

It’s really saddening, I’m gona be leaving to the land of loneliness in no time, time is passing so fast. It seemed like the week just started off and today is already SATURDAY? These 2 months is just gona fly past me like a tornado…

It’s not as if I have much of a choice la, it’s either I stay here and be stagnant with my life….or take my life a notch higher….it’s depressing….(yaya..I know…I’m supposed to feel FORTUNATE!)…

Looking at the people around me, I realised that life isn’t gona wait for anyone…I wish I had the chance to do everything all over again…do better at college…reach out and meet more people…I miss the days at college so much….it’s true when they say that u know?….it makes it worse when I have to work at somewhere I used to study!…ohh well….my time has passed..and I need to learn from my mistakes and try not to repeat it in the next big step I am about to take…

I have been speaking to a few good friends overseas these few weeks….it really feels weird….we were once a family….and now everybody is all over the world!….arghhhhhhhh…..=(

I have been extra cautious with making friends these days…realised that the word TRUST has extint! This makes me miss all my lovely friends even more!

Another life’s lesson learned…                                  Can’t imagine how people can use what you say and interpret it in a different way just to spur up a conflict…I guess people (including myself) have to just learn to keep our mouth shut at times….it’s ain’t worth it advicing others when they are so blinded……

I returned to Malaysia in January after my fantabulous trip in Canada! I got a job right a way at CAREERsense@help- a part of the Faculty of Behavioral Sciences (previously known as the Center for Psychology).

Currently, I am working as a research assistant for CAREERsense and a graduate tutor for the Faculty. It has been fun working with people whom I actually studied with during my undergraduate years at Help. On top of that, my lecturers have actually become my collegues! How cool is that =). It has been fun getting to know these lecturers personally. I have had the opportunity to meet new psychologists with interesting specialisations from all over the world. They have been a true inspiration to me.

Well, I just graduated last Saturday and Help had their 21st Gala Ball the day before that. The weekend was a blast!!! Gona miss my graduation in the US this May as I am only returning to Connecticut in August. Gona be pursuing my masters in Cental Connecticut State University. For those of you who are interested to visit New York, please do visit me coz New york is only a 2 hour drive from my place =)…..woooooohoooooooooo….

well…hahahhaha…am all done for this semester AND the rest of my undergraduate.
This is my very last day at Bemidji, Minnesota. Kinda feels weird. Cassie and I will be heading off to Canada tomorrow and choo will be meeting us there on December 26th!!!

Xiao Qing just bid me goodbye, she’s joining Franky in New York.
Now that I have bid my first good friend goodbye, it’s finally sinking in. I am leaving!!

Well, I’ll be going back to Malaysia after my trip to Canada and will be returning to Connecticut later in August to pursue my masters. Yes, I got accepted! Was supposed to enroll in January, but it was just a bad idea coz I totally had no idea what to expect in Connecticut and I figured I need time off my studies for a little while.

BSU has been a great eye opener for me. The people I cross paths with, the food I just never liked, the sight of the frozen lake, the jokes and insults that Cassie and  I directed to my next door basketball captain, the times when all my friends set the fire alarm off in their respective halls except for mine, the times where we just couldn’t stand some of our professors, the times where we went to walmart just to look for rum and raisin ice-cream, the times when I went to the clubs and just died to come home, the times when I attempted bad cooking, the times when I would wake up in the middle of the night and scold my next door for making noise, my  delicious javalanche,  the times  Elaine and I would go downtown shopping or to the mall and act like we’re some rich mens’ daughters….for all those times and more… Cheers..

To Xiao Qing, Elaine, Cassie, Frances, Katrina, Mama, Valerie, Cooper and Dre…
Despite our differences, I am gona miss all of you people so much! =(

As for the rest of the day, I am gona have to go around biding my last goodbyes to Bemidji. Bemidji…me gona misssssssssssssss u =(

Yeah..am finally back at Bemidji, Minnesota. Kinda miss home, but doing better than the time when I first arrived at Bemidji in January. It had been a long break, hardly can seem to remember anything about psychology.
Been taking Frances, Xiao Qing, Katrina and Elaine around uptown and downtown. Been busy catching up with my local friends and lectureres too. It was really funny when school started on Monday, I went into class like it was my very first day at kindergarten. And Advanced Statistics had to be my very first class on that morning la. Practically had no idea what the proferssor was talking about. I took 15 seconds to recall the defination of null hypothesis. Ahahahahahaha……oh well…..what can you expect after 3 months of rotting at home la?
Ohh…and I just found out that I am staying next to the noisiest guy on campus. Yeah I agree he is noisy la… he seems like a nice guy though. Did not get a place on a female floor in Birch Hall, so I had to settle for a co-ed floor so that I coulld live nearer to classes and wake up a little later than the others la =P.
It has been weird living with a black guy next door la, his friends has been dropping by often and they are pretty huge and loud. Basically nearly half of the basketball team hangs out next to my room. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…..noisy la….
Besides that, we went to a football match yesterday. American football la. It was fun but we lost!! First game I sat in for that has ever lost!!! Hmmmmm we ended up scolding the other team in Malay, Chinese and Tamil. Others were cheering for BSU…and we went like "Oiiiiii Pandi….ubi kayu kah? Kuai Tian la…pass the damn ball la…….." Hahahahahahha……thank god no one understood us…or else we would have died-ed even if only one of the oppositional player sat on us la….
I guess that’s bout it for now…will update later….=)

It was a lazy morning…it was 10.30 a.m. and I was so grumpy. As I finished my breakfast, mum called dad to carry a pail of water for her from the kitchen to the porch…it never made sense to me why she always did that…it still doesn’t anyway….

I was looking at dad carrying a bucket of water on his left and a smaller bucker on his right…It felt weird….coz he was stuggling with it….

I said "Pa, why are you carrying two….." and just at that moment…..my dad slipped and landed on his left knee…I was in shocked…..my dad was in pain and I started screaming…it was horrible…at that moment, mum came along…

I hold my dad’s knee….I could see that he was terrified and at that moment, I saw his bone sticking out beneath his skin, I couldn’t take that sight, am naturally panicky when it comes to this kinda things……

I shouted at my mum, "it is dislocated!!!"…she told my dad "the swell will go down once u straightened your leg"…..I was like errrrrrrrr…..oh my god…I swear I wanted to slap her at that moment…it was obvious that it was something more than a swell! ARRRRGHHHHHHH…..

Oh well, my dad is fine after an operation now. He told me that this is his first time being admitted in a hospital. I felt sad for him, and the scene of the ‘accident’ still flashes across my mind. It sends down shivers through my spine from time to time. Feel lost without my dad’s authority at home….I realised how unpredictable life can be now…no one would ever thought my dad would end up in the hospital at this very moment. In my dad’s words "you never know what will happen tommorrow".

After a big ‘drama’ at Penang…I am finally back home in KL…
Another Life’s lesson learnt indeed…Tsk Tsk Tsk…peoples true colors will eventually show eh?
A classic saying that has been brought to life during my  stay at a ‘psychiatrist’ home…hahahahha…..
Ohh well….life go on…will be working at HUC from now on…back to my old college life…
I can’t believe that I still have less than 2 months before I fly back to the States… time has been passing so fast…I just can’t imagine it…
Anyway..I am just gona relax and enjoy each moment while I am here..the future is still afar…=)

With confusing emotions and inablity to make proper decisions, I have learnt to leave the past behind me and am trying to learn to relax and go with the flow.
At times, I do worry about the past haunting me once again, but I guess I just have no control over it anyway. I wonder why I am constantly worried and anxious about many aspects in my life. Am I living up to the expectations of others instead of mine?
I have a long lists of task to complete but I just can’t seem to be able to move my ass; perhaps, rethinking about what I really want in life would be proper.
Exposing myself to the different fields of psychology through my stay here in Penang has made me even more anxious. I keep telling myself that time is running out and I have to decide what I wana do after I complete my degree in December. Am constantly preassured to continue with my masters in the States by my parents, but I am not sure if that’s what I want as I am having difficulties in choosing the right area of psyc to pursue my studies in.
I really wana come back to Malaysia after I have completed my studies in the US, but is there gona be any future for me out here. Of course, I would be an expert even if I didn’t have working experince here in Malaysia. But will I be able to flourish to my fullest potential with the limited opportunities available in psychology?
Well… I dunno….indecisive…never been in this state before, have always been prepared for the next step in all the phases of my life. Ohh well……
Learnt something today…homosexuality is becoming a growing issue among teenagers today…I guess life must be pretty difficult for those who are confused about their sexual identity. But I do admire those individuals who are able to come up and seek help in order to identify their true self. Well, I guess everybody has their own set of problems, and that makes me feel that I am absolutely normal as anyone can be.

TRUST…a big word indeed…
it goes easy but does not come easy…..its a foundation of all relationships involving mankind….
what happens when trust is threatened in a relationship?
can we still go on without it? some would and could….some just wouldnt want to…..
does jealousy threaten the foundation of trust in a relationship?
or is the feeling even jealousy?
is insecurity a ‘bad’ feeling?
does low self esteem contribute to it?
it might……and then again it might not……
does lovey-dovey conversations looses its meaning as partners in life changes……
what does it mean to call some1 in the past ‘honey’ and acknowledge some1 in the present the same way?
does intimate touches become less sacred as partners are changed…..
how can one exchange intimate touches with some1 they are not sure of?
is being anal about wanting to have only one true love in life seem too idealistic?
it is true all along when the older generation claimed that the past will eventually haunt the present……will it continue to haunt?….
is it worth pursuing what one wants and belief in or should one listen to what the heart says?
all questions…..no answers……